Tiptoes - An Insult

How did we miss this??

So, in 2002, there was a movie made called "Tiptoes". It is a rom-com that stars Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale.

It also stars Gary Oldman as a dwarf. Not a fantasy dwarf like in Lord of the Rings (which are not human, but a race of their own), not even an actual dwarf in a fantasy like Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones (a human being like in reality but set in a fantasy world). No...an actual dwarf in the actual world we live in.

Gary Oldman.

Mattyman and I are connoisseurs of garbage movies. We thought we knew them all. We did not.

So, investigating further into this hidden gem starring two Oscar winners, I decided to make a mocublog (mocumentary blog) about what I think could have been the correspondence sent by writer/director, Matthew Bright, to his mother.

For legal purposes, I have to say that I made all of this up for laughs.
For laugh purposes, I have to say that I might have made that last sentence up for legal purposes.

Enjoy!

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Feb 2, 2002
Dear Mom,

Well, I've done it!

I'm officially going to be a big-time Hollywood screenwriter! My script, The Big Little Road, has been picked up by one Mrs. Elie Cohn at Reality Check Productions. Mrs. Cohn told me that she and her partners were very impressed with my screenplay from the start, and, if told correctly, believe the story could be really impactful. She said that, after what happened five months ago, this world needs stories like mine. Well, like ours, Mom. Like Dad's.

Oh, Mom, I'm so happy. Thank you so much for your love and sacrifice these last few years, putting me through school as Dad's medical bills piled up. I just know it will be worth it in the end.

I'll keep you in the loop!

With love and gratitude,
Matthew Bright

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Feb 11, 2002
Dear Mom,

So, we had our first set-up meeting with the entire production staff, and you are NOT going to believe this.

Mom, are you sitting down? If not, then please do because this is definitely going to knock you out with pride, and the last thing you need is another broken hip.

When Mrs. Cohn, sorry, "Elie", called me in, I thought it was just another one-on-one, but when I got there, as I said, it was all the people at the top. Elie said that she knew this was something special and that she wanted to get "everyone" involved as soon as possible. She asked me to pitch The Big Little Road to them exactly as I did to her.

Well, I must have really knocked it out of the park because, not only have they agreed to buy my screenplay, but...please be sitting down...I'm also going to direct!!!! I didn't even ask! Chris (Hanley), another producer on the team, said that my pitch was so heartfelt that they couldn't imagine anyone else telling our family's story as I can!

They shook my hand and had me sign some papers. I wanted some lawyers or something to look them over, but they said that this story needs to be told, whatever I need I'll get, and they want to release it before THIS Christmas so we can get it in "this Oscar season". Oh my God!

We start casting next week.

Keeping you (and Dad's spirit) in the loop.

Your loving son,
Matt

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Feb. 20, 2002,
Dearest Mom,

It's cast.

You're played by (sit down!) Kate Beckinsale.
Dad is played by (sit down!) Matthew McConaughey!
Uncle Calvin is played by (sit down!) Gary Oldman!

I've never met Gary Oldman, or, to be honest, even know who he is, but Elie said he's considered one of the greatest actors of his generation. They are clearly taking this seriously. l truly believe that Dad is looking down from Heaven with pride, knowing that his and your story is being respected. We are going to make a positive, lasting impact for the community, Mom.

Super proud, super busy, but keeping you in the loop.

Your grateful son,
Matt

P.S. You might want to buy a lottery ticket or two with 02022002 in it. This seems to be our lucky day!

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Feb. 24, 2002,

Whew!

We have been hitting the ground running ever since this deal was signed. I've gotten the sets, the actors, the costumes, the cameras, and even the chair that says "director" on it. I'm ready to roll!

We are just waiting on the final script approval, which should be here by tomorrow. First scene at 4:30 in the morning.

I know the actors are good, but I wish we had given them more prep time. I, on the other hand, don't even need a script. It is, after all, the story of you and dad. A story about how you didn't know that Dad was the only "normal-sized" person in his entire family, that Dad never said anything about it, and how, after learning of this, you were deciding to keep me or not, for fear of me being born with dwarfism like the rest of Dad's family. And how you really took the time and care to talk to Uncle Calvin, Aunt Betty, and the rest, to understand the struggles of Little People, learning that while, yes, they have challenges that most people do not, that they can live normal, loving, fruitful, and amazing lives, in spite of their challenges. This lesson you learned steered you in the direction of keeping me, something I'm very thankful for, because if you hadn't, then I wouldn't be here to tell our story and help so many people across the globe.

I have to stop now...tears are making it hard to see.

Keeping you in the loop.

Yours in God's Holy love,
Matt

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Feb. 24, 2002,

Sorry to send another email, Mom, but you'll love this. 

I came in late last night to pick up my briefcase and saw "Tiptoes" branded on everything. I was afraid I was on the wrong set because, as you know, your and Dad's story is called "The Big Little Road", and not Tiptoes. Tiptoes makes it sound like someone has to be on their tiptoes in order to even count. But the janitor here said that the studios are always using code names and stuff to keep the special projects that they really believe in a secret. They might be afraid that our story is so good that it will be cherry-picked by other studios.

Gotta run! Big day tomorrow!

Keeping you in the loop,
Matt

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Feb. 25, 2002,

When I came to the set today, I was blown away. Matt McConaughey and Katie Beckinsale are amazing. I tell you, Mom, you just don't understand physical beauty until you are around these people in real life. I've seen beautiful women before (I have, after all, sat across from you at the dinner table), but, wow, Katie is rather distracting. And Matt...oh, you will love him, Mom. He's the Hollywood version of the Hollywood version of the Hollywood version of Dad. And his accent is so charming! I told him that, of course, Dad had a very thick Maine accent, but Mac said that he would have it down pat once the script arrives.

I still haven't met Gary Oldman yet, but by the way people talk about him, he's a giant in the industry. Maybe I can alter the script to kind of say that a Little Person actor like himself can still be a "giant in his field".

Anyway, I still haven't gotten the final script approval, so today was more about shooting "b-team", a.k.a. the actors in scenes cooking, looking at the stars, holding hands, etc.

Can't wait to get that script here, though. I was telling the rest of the cast about the story. They didn't know what it was about, which I found confusing. It seems that most of them are "taking this gig for the money". I'm sure that's not true. They might THINK that, but I believe, as I'm sure you do, Mom, that God is guiding them towards something greater. 

Keeping you in the loop,
Matt "Director AND Writer" Bright

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March 8, 2002,
Mom,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I got your last 12 ever-increasingly panicked emails. I wanted to reply, but I've been too busy, and, to be frank, too disappointed, to reply. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I hope you're sitting down.

After my last email, we spent the next 10 days shooting B-team stuff. At first, it was cute, with silent scenes with Matt and Katie in romantic vignettes, looking at the moon, holding hands, kissing, walking around in underwear, that kind of stuff. But after a while, it seemed like a waste. I kept calling that woman, Mrs. Cohn, whom I no longer have permission to call Elie. Anyway, at first she was kind and understanding, assuring me that everything with the script is great, but that not everyone has had the chance to read it yet. But after the fifth day, I had mustered enough strength (or anger) to point out that these people are supposed to be professional, that we have signed a contract, and reminded her that they were the ones pushing for an Oscar release date before Christmas. I also told her that, while they were looking at December as Oscar time, I was looking at it as a Christmas family movie, one about the value of life, every life, and the importance of giving unborn children a chance to make a positive impact, and that there is literally no better time in the entire Western world to send that message than during the celebration of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Sit down, Mom.

She told me to "grow the hell up", that I "signed my story away", that my "ass is hers", and that "no one cares about Christmas" because "this is Satan's town".

She also said that, if she had been in your shoes, she "wouldn't have been so selfish as to keep it " and would "have cut (me) out before taking a chance to shit out another societal burden". I couldn't even respond, I was so shocked.

After a few seconds (or maybe 15 hours) of sobbing on my end, Mrs. Cohn told me that they will have the final script to me tomorrow.

That was a week ago. No script.

I've been crying for a week. I haven't spoken to her since. Hopefully, the script will come tomorrow. I really don't want to waste these kind actors' time.

I hope Dad's not watching.

Keeping you in the loop,
Your devastated son,
Matt

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March 15, 2002,
Mom,

I'm not sure who had a worse Ides of March, me or Julius Caesar.

Cohn finally got the final script to me...19 days after we started filming!!!

I can't even express how disappointed I am. And the things that are going on on this end...you wouldn't even believe. Seriously, I question all of this now.

So, I came to the set today and saw the script had been delivered (FINALLY!!!). I was all a dither and felt that we could now tell our story. I went to make some coffee before reading the script, and started talking to a guy in the line. I asked what he was doing today, and he said he was making a movie called Tiptoes. I winked at him and said, "Tiptoes? I'm the director of that film." He introduced himself as Gary Oldman. Mom...the man is 5' 9".

I was so confused that I asked who he was playing, and I was actually relieved when he said, "A guy named Rolfe". I said, "Great, see you on set", and left. I was wondering who Rolfe was, because we don't have anyone named Rolfe in the family. Well...I got my answer not ten minutes later while reading the script...sadly.

I can't tell you what happened. I'm so upset. I'll just copy and paste the email between that hag Cohn and me:

"Mrs. Cohn,

I finally got the script. It says "FINAL" in all caps on it, but this must be some kind of joke. This cannot be the final script.

First of all, this is MY story. The story of my family. My father passed away after two years of excruciating pain, and his last wish to me was to tell our story. I told him that I would. I gave him my word on his deathbed. That was the same story that you cried about when I first told you, that you were excited to tell. That is not the story we have here. This is unrecognizable. The gist of the story is that, even though all of my loved ones (other than my Mom and Dad) are Little People, they are just as valuable and any other person, and that, even though she was afraid, my mother decided to keep me, knowing that I would be happy in life because I would be loved, no matter what.
 
What you have done is change that into a romantic comedy, filled with scenes of Katie Beckinsale bribing Matthew McConaughey with oral sex if he will only get her pregnant. These are supposed to be my parents!! In one scene, she's actually on her knees in front of him, trying to bribe him with a blowjob, not to go to work but to stay home and have sex. And my Dad never walked around with half an erection wearing tightie whities in front of other family members and neighbors!

My Dad also spoke with an accent from his beloved Maine, where they treated his family members with respect, not like McConaughey's southern redneck sounds, where, he assured me, my dwarven family members would "probably been fed to the buffalo".

I DEMAND the original script back, the one we signed the contract on.

Also, my Dad's twin, a very, VERY pivotal role in this film, was Uncle Calvin, not Uncle Rolfe, and he was 3' 4". Gary Oldman is 5' 9". You might as well have hired Andre the Giant. Get me a Little Person actor. This is non-negotiable.

The writer AND director,
Matthew Bright"

And, Mom, please, for God's sake, if you are not already, please please please sit down.

Here is her response:

"Dim (my new nickname for you),

Listen, fucktard, you signed the contract. Am I to be blamed for you not demanding a lawyer look over it first? No. No, I am not. You are the dumbass who signed your rights away. That contract you signed gives us complete control of who we hire, what the script is, where it's shot, how much it costs, and everything about it. You might also notice, if you read it, that if you leave this project, you will owe us $36.8M. I can assure you that you WILL have to pay us that money, dumbass. Hollywood is full of lawyers. We own every single one.

Also, I don't care about your stupid dad, or the hard luck story about his cancer, nor how much it hurt, nor how long he suffered, nor about lying in his bed for two years bleeding from his asshole as your mom cried and blah blah blah boo fucking hoo.

We all have sob stories. For example, my cat was lost for two days before coming back home. Do you hear me crying about that?!?! No, you do NOT. So shut your idiot noise-hole.

Next, nobody cares about your freaky ass family. Dwarves are for magic, wrestling, and laughing at. Go ahead and show them this email if you like. What are they going to do, beat me up? Dinklage is okay, but the rest of those mutants? Fuck, if Hitler had won, we wouldn't have to put up with such filth. And, NO, I didn't just say I wanted Hitler to win. I'm Jewish, after all. I'm just saying not all of his ideas were bad. If the midgets don't like it then they can go make kink-porn.

Third, this movie is here to serve one purpose and one purpose only: to make money and win awards to make us feel good about ourselves. It's not here to "make the world a better place" or "spread tolerance" or "bring compassion and understanding to Little People."

Money.
Glory.
Praise.
Money.

Did I mention money? I'm pretty sure I did.

So, make the movie we are paying you to make, or, so help me Lucifer, I will make sure you work for me every single day for the rest of your life, and I can assure you that I'm not always this nice.

Sincerely,
Elie Cohn"

Mom...I don't know what to do.

Looking for the loop on the end of a rope,
Matt

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The Los Angeles Times
January 18, 2004

Tiptoes, the latest wacky rom-com from Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale, was shown at the Sundance Film Festival today. The film, originally 150 minutes long, was cut to only 90 minutes. Writer and Director, Matthew Bright, criticized the film, lambasting the producers for re-editing his film, and was dragged off the stage.

On to more important things, two owls were filmed staring at a stop sign yesterday in...